KDHD Teacher

My kids are both AuDHD, too… To add more fun to the mix, they have PDA profile autism. PDA stands for pathological demand avoidance. BASICALLY… they see every demand as a threat to their person, meaning that every perceived demand sends their nervous system into fight or flight. 

When someone has PDA, sometimes praise can feel like a demand, too. They can view praise as an expectation for the future and can have the same fight or flight response. Parenting a PDA kiddo can be rough, especially when my partner and I are just trying to raise kind and self-sufficient humans.

Chores were a massive issue in our house. My youngest, L, did not want to do any of their chores and would fight us to do any, even basic chores like cleaning up after getting water on the floor after bathing. The oldest, M, resented that she was the only one doing chores. I tried rewards, an allowance, and punishments, removing privileges to get L to do their chores, but I got nowhere. 

My partner, Ash, and I were doing all of the house maintenance, taking care of the animals, cooking dinner, and working. We needed a revamp; this needed to be more sustainable and equitable. Our kids are 12 and 16. They can help with household maintenance. Ash and I brainstormed as many chores as we could think of and divided them by room. We then held a family meeting. I passed out the lists. Next to each chore were 3 choices: red, yellow, and green.

• Red – I cannot do this task with or without help.
• Yellow – I can do this task with help.
• Green – I can do this task without help. 

I gave the lists to the kids and asked them to rate the tasks on the red, yellow, and green scale. I was excited (and surprised) that no one (L) put all reds. I then divided the chores and created charts based on everyone’s preferences. 

This did not immediately solve ALL of the problems. L identified most of the chores as yellow. But when we talked about it, I learned that there were some chores they actually wanted to do, like helping with dinner and meal planning. This is awesome because L is an extremely picky eater. So, giving them more agency with meal planning and cooking dinner made them actually want to eat, at least some of the time. 

The revamp helped us. We have to recategorize chores occasionally, but it has been a huge help with the reluctance to help we were experiencing before. Check out the chore breakdowns here.